just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
