i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
