Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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