Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
