We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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