I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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