in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
