as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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