Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
