On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
