Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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