im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
