apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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