I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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