Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
