Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
