just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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