so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
