Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
