I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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