i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
