Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
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He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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