I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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