so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
