remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
