I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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