Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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