I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize