My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
try to milk me bitch
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
