Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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