Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
