You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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