GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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