i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
