Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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