first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
