just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
