I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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