my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
