The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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