i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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