I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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