She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can't put those talents on a resume
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
