My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
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