I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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