they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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