I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
