I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She's the barista slut.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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