Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
