Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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