She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
