I think im going to throw up on grandma
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
