is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
