Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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