omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
