Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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